Still Here… Sadly
I randomly remembered an old blog of mine jclay.blogsome.com and was reading through the numerous posts I made (69 total) and had some fun reminiscing. Thing is it also made me feel even more distant from life in general that I already was. Remembering how happy I was, despite some of the angry ranting posts lol, and seeing how utterly down I’ve become. I used to really enjoy going to church. I think the last time I remember going to a service was in my first semester here over a year ago. So much has happened since then that makes me, in some ways, despise God and life in general. I used to hang out with my friends here nearly every day. It’s been over two weeks since I’ve seen anyone but myself. They’ve all gotten busy with their own things, like myself I suppose. I feel so bottled up and like there’s no one near to reach out to. You know, I thought moving back here after everything that happened between March and November would make me happier. Having my own place and being back near my friends. Now I’m not so sure. It almost seems a bit worse because even now that I’m a mile away we still don’t see each other. Why am I so needy…
I miss having a girl friend … having someone to care about and to care about me. I miss going to church and having the desire to do so. I feel like my mom would be disappointed in what’s become of me, especially if she thought it was because of her leaving. My pain always became her pain, and my happiness became hers aswell. I wish I could have some of her over-abundant … everpresent … neverending happiness …. there through the hardest of times … no matter what.
I miss waking up and actually looking forward to something. I miss going to sleep and having some since of accomplishment for the day. I miss a lot of things … part of me feels like I’ll never have them again and like my mom I’ll just have to deal with what I’ve got. Sounds like a shitty life. Taking all these damned pills to attempt to force me to sleep … force me to not completely hate everything enough to go even further down in this whole … force me to live…
Why
What’s the point any more… Who cares…
I don’t. Never the same again.
“wonderfully” still here, for another dreadful day…
-josh