This is a great song by Lifehouse:
[See post to listen to audio]

I find myself thinking … really thinking … about my mom less and less and the months pass by. Before I know it a year and a half will have gone by since the wretched phone call at 2:30 in the morning. I tend to bring her up nonchalantly in conversation on occasion, but I rarely spend much time making sure I don’t forget her anymore. It’s no less strange to wake up and her not be there today than it was when it happened. I guess it’s good that it’s not completely beating me up on the inside these days, although part of me wish it was (masochism?). I haven’t talked to my sister in months … I haven’t seen her since we went to see my mom’s grave on Mother’s Day. I wish I could say the same for my dad, but he just won’t accept the fact that I want nothing to do with his sorry self. He makes it easier to hate him as each day goes on. And as “un-Christian” I know it is, I like hating him. I like feeling like he’s epitome of what a father should not be and that he will have is own special level of hell to answer for all the pain and suffering he’s caused and continues to cause for all those around him.

Meh.

Finished setting up the server (for Guy) at Vanderbilt. Oh how I do not miss Pentium 3’s. Fedora installed pretty nicely on it … although I’m still partial to a Debian based Linux but there was some retarded backup program that Vandy required to be on there that they only provide in a rpm package, so everyone (but myself) thought Fedora was the only way to go … sigh. I still think rsync setup the right way would have been better, faster, and easier. But no one asked me, huh? (even though they really should have)

I’m really happy Apple released the 2.0.1 iPhone update. Before, I could be typing (or trying to type) on the keyboard and it would have like a 3 or more second delay. That wouldn’t be such a pain if it were real keyboard and you knew you were hitting the right keys. When you have to pretty much rely on the predictive spelling feature, having to wait for it to catch up and see the sentence you just wrote that is so illegible you want to shoot the person sitting next to you … yeah. It seems a little peppier all around now, although 1.1.4 (jailbroken at that) was a lot nicer in many ways minus a couple of the legitimate apps that are out now.

I’m considering redesigning the layout for TheSpiffyLife, but I pretty much loathe doing designs. I don’t mind the programming aspect of websites, but I really don’t have the creative touch that some people do. I’d be fine without any styles as long as it worked (I doubt the rest of the world feels the same :/ lol).

Looking forward to going to California for a week. I just hope I don’t cook like a french fry the first day :’( … sunburns are a real pain (hah) and I seem predisposed to becoming as red as a beet. Yay plane ride!

Not looking forward to the Fall Semester,
-josh

Sometimes Hello’s and Good-Bye’s aren’t easy
Even so far this poem is pretty cheesy
I love my mom more than anything in the state
And this is not up for debate!

She is the main one in my life
And I don’t know what is the meaning of strife
She is a computer wizard
And I’m not in a blizzard
When she’s sick I feel as though I want to cry
And sometimes I kill myself just as I try
I don’t because it would hurt her even more
So if I want to cry I will go strait through the door!

Last but not least,
She’s as careful with me as you have to be with yeast
And another thing I wish I could copy her to a 3.5 floppy disk
So I can copy all her love with out the risk of missing her love!

I wish that was less lame and made more sense than it did. I got a little laugh out of reading and trying to figure out what in the world possessed me to not only write this, but type it and keep it for 10 years …

Well, I guess it’s good that I can laugh at myself … a lot.

(now you can too … and probably will )

Back to studying

It was a hard, weird, awkward, out-of-body experience kind of day. Plus a three and a half hour drive home by myself left a lot of time for reflection and crying. I guess it was needed … I guess in the grand scheme of things it was time that I did it. Doesn’t make it any easier or more profound.

To keep my mind off it I took a few pictures while I was driving home. My grandma lives in the mountains … it takes about an hour to get back to the paved road… good times.

yes, i realize he resembles Snape in this video, it is a bit odd

I have no fear of drowning
It’s the breathing that’s taking all this work.

Sometimes life really does feel that way (for me at least). There have been times when it seems like it’s harder to get out of bed and live the day than it would to …. well, the best way to phrase this is … not. I admit, I was a huge rut there for the longest time. There are moments (no longer days) where I feel that way. It of course, goes further than just getting out of bed, but that’s the least revealing metaphor I can come up with right now.

Do you know what I mean when I say, “I don’t want to be alone”?

There are many different ways a person can “feel alone.” Being alone spiritually, not being around your friends as much, being really distant with (nearly all) of your family, and not having that special person around to make you feel so very good inside. In some form, I’ve gone through (or still am) all of those to some degree. Lately it seems things are getting better for various reasons. Or maybe my outlook has just changed a little. For some reason the 1 year “anniversary” of my mom passing didn’t really hit me as hard as I had expected, but in some ways it seems like either she, God, or just myself in some way or another lifted a weight of my shoulders and allowed me to “move on” more so than I’d ever been able to for that entire year. It’s been nearly a month since that day, but looking back I can tell. She still comes into my mind at least every day, which is (really) good to me. But I’m no longer dwelling on it as much as I used to, at least in a bad way. Other people have come (or reappeared) into my life, helping me find happiness and bliss once again. In many ways I have to see all of this happening as a (really delayed…) answer to countless prayers. A lot of things, feelings, events, etc that have happened in the past month couldn’t have been put together by shear chance or circumstance. At least I sincerely doubt it could. Either way doesn’t change the present from being what it is; grand.

Wishing you the best of everything today and everyday!

‘Take time to enjoy the special things in life.’

You deserve to enjoy life. I am so very proud of you.

Love, Mom.

The bold portion was the stuff already printed on the card. At times I find myself dwelling on … everything … which in turn makes me pretty unhappy. And for lack of a better way to put this, sometimes dwelling on all that happened with her tends to keep a fog over my life … although I dwell to remember … dwelling is probably the worst way to deal with it. I also find myself grabbing hidden meanings (whether originally intended on being there or not) from life in general. Those words … I felt like it was her reminding me to not worry about her anymore. That she’s finally got the ultimate happiness and that I should no longer focus on the sadness and pain she lived in and realize it was all for the best, for everyone. Me being happy used to bring her such great joy. I’d like to think that it still can.

Sometimes I do find myself wondering how long she knew she wasn’t going to get better … how long she consciously knew that she was actually going to die from this … that she wouldn’t ever meet her grandchildren or see either one of her children get married or graduate college. I wonder if she had a choice in it. Like if you’ve ever seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose (warning: spoiler ahead ) … near the end they show her having a dream and meeting Mary. Mary tells her that she has the choice to stay on this Earth and continue to endure great pain and be an amazing witness the world … or she could go ahead and leave with Mary to heaven and end the pain immediately. She chose to stay. My mind can’t help but wonder if something like that happened … to some degree. That whole concept might just sound ridiculous to some people … in fact it all may … but a (big) part of me feels it could be a reality … in every sense.

She chose to stay.

Here’s to happiness,

-josh

PS. I found a picture of my baby cousin from when she was only a year old (she’s three now) … and then I thought, “hey, that looks really familiar…” So I checked my other pics and matched it up.

and here’s the one from a couple of weeks ago…

i love how amazingly similar the pictures are! she makes me smile

PPS. My sister’s boyfriend got her a new bunny … teehee

I still haven’t gone to see her grave. It’s been a year and I’ve managed to avoid making the trip somehow. It’s actually sad to think about how I’ve not gone. But I’m honestly not sure if my sister has either. We just don’t talk about it. It’s a three hour drive … and many times I’ve just thought about getting up and going randomly. Other times I’ve tried to hint that I’d like a friend to go with me to make it a little easier. But I wouldn’t want to be that friend if the situation was reversed, so I’m not at all surprised that hasn’t happened either.

I sent myself a letter on FutureMe.org that’ll be sent on May 5, 2010. To remind myself who I am now and hoping I’ve stayed true to myself and hopefully accomplished something by then

Dear FutureMe,

Have you changed any yet? Have you decided that it’s okay to get drunk all of the time and go against every thing you used to believe in? Have you managed to still be happy and yet keep your virginity?

Are you in a relationship? Is she nice?

Please tell me you’re going to church once again. Please.

Have you finally taken it upon yourself to visit mom’s grave? You really need to. Seriously. She’d feel a little sad if you haven’t by now.

I hope you’re something that would make her happy, but at the same token I hope you’re something that you can be happy being.

How’s school going? I’m hoping you’ve graduated college by now. If not I hope there’s not much more left to take. Mom would want you to be productive in life and not depressed because of everything that’s happened. Don’t do that to yourself, not anymore.

Do you ever talk to Dad anymore? What about Carolyn or Dillon? (your used to be step-family) Have you finally forgiven him for … being him?

Do you talk to Christina very much? You really should talk to her more. Because when you’re (even) older, you’re going to wish you had.

I hope two years has helped clear things up and make life a little more clear. Most importantly I hope you’re happy. And not just acting like you are. Move on, be excited to wake up again. Remember everything that you love and that there are genuinely good people out there to make it all worthwhile.

Stay strong, live happy, be yourself.
-the sophomore in college, You

I have some fun stories I could tell right now … but they’re too funny to even post here … lol, just trust me

Remembering the good ole days,

-josh

If you haven’t seen the show (which I was sad to find out that they actually did one in Nashville and I missed it ) you definitely should check out the DVD or CD. Personally I like the music on the DVD version better, probably because it doesn’t sound like it’s been so … “studioized” if you know what I mean. The premise of the show is about a modern day version of the Jesus story. Michael Tait (from dcTalk) plays the role of Jesus (and does it wonderfully). Other well-known bands / people include the lead singer from Audio Adrenaline, Rebecca St. James, T. Bone (from Grits?), and others that I’d recognize if I heard their names

I remember watching the movie the week after my mom died. I had just come back to school on a weekend and only a couple of my friends knew why I was gone for a week. My roommate was home for the weekend so I sat in my room that night and started to watch it because I had first seen it with my mom (not to mention the way the movie makes you feel in general). I was about halfway through it and was balling my eyes for various reasons when a friend comes in my room and starts talking about when his mom died a few years back. We chatted for a few minutes and I got a little emotional but nothing more than a few more tears. He commented on how well I was taking everything that had happened and how I still had faith in everything. I remember still being “numb” at that point but I still said that it was because of her that I still had any faith. The way she was before she got extremely sick, how she was during, and especially during the last month she was here… She’s honestly the last thing holding me to my faith. Without her being the way she was, I wouldn’t be who I am … even if I don’t feel like I’m anything like what I used to be at times.

I used to feel like I really was a “good person” … but these days I’m not sure about pretty much everything. I’ve done things in the last year that I truly regret, and I know I’ll never be able to take back. I know if I truly desire and ask for it, the Lord will forgive me … but I believe I’ll have to forgive myself first, which is probably the biggest step. I believe the quote on my FaceBook applies perfectly here: “Don’t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become.” Our past experiences … triumphs, failures, distresses, accomplishments … shouldn’t destine us to a certain path in life, but they should help us realize what that path should be and where it should take us. Everything is much easier said than done, but sometimes saying it helps you get it done; adds it to the proverbial list.

I really need to start going to church again … It’s been hard to even think about going for a long time now, because church for me was getting ready at home and driving my mom (or with my mom, when I was younger) and walking my mom in (more recently, basically carrying her in) and sitting next to her in the pew. Seeing the joyous look on her face during the whole service. For about the last six months while she was here she wasn’t able to go to church at all, so our church was nice enough to send her copies of the service on DVD to watch… which she did religiously (no pun intended). She even paused it to take notes on the sermon. I have gone to church since she’s passed, but it was never the same. I guess I can’t expect it to be the same, but it just didn’t feel … like it was doing me more good than not going (as bad as that sounds). I’ve been looking for someone to be like an accountability partner, where we’d make sure the other goes to church, as well as other things I suppose. Asked a few friends and it never happened for various reasons. I guess the lesson is you should only count on yourself for certain things, and go with a “willing heart” — I believe there’s a passage in the Bible about not going to church with the feeling of contempt in your heart. These feelings come in spurts, this one is probably because in a week from today it will have been exactly a year since she died. And I still haven’t gone to see the grave yet. A part of me feels like I’ll no longer be able to tell myself it hasn’t happened if I don’t see it “set in stone” … and I know that’s a bad way to think/feel but a part of me would still like to imagine it had never happened … believe that one day I’ll wake up in a horrible sweat and realize it was all a really long, realistic, drawn-out nightmare. Reality is overrated.

In a randomly related thought, I wish dcTalk was still together… because none of them by themselves are ever as good as the three of them together

In other non-related (but still random) news, I’m attempting to teach myself about Object Oriented PHP (functions, classes, blah blah) because it’s widely used and probably more efficient method for a lot of things — not to mention it would help make code more widely distributable. (ie. FaceBook’s API, WordPress, etc etc)

that’s all for now…

-josh

PS. Here’s a Video Awareness Test

Yea, I definitely failed lol

To feel so hopeless and so hopefull at once is probably the strangest emotion one can feel. All at once I feel as though my life is dead and over, like there is nothing left that I can do of enough worth to get up for the next day. And yet I pray that there is more. That there is something to all of this that I am missing, or forgotten, and htat there will be some pivatul moment to set it all in motion. The whole sound of that seems too cinematic  to exist in real life but there’s some tiny piece of me that seems to think otherwise. That piece reminds me so much of my mom … and if that’s what she left for … if she allowed me to at least feel like there was some larger, more worthwhile reason to not hate the utter existance of life, come so close to loathing God for world that we live in and the state that things are, and on the edge of allowing myself to leave this place … if she has that power, still … then she is more of an angel than I had ever imagined. Seems absolutley ridiculous to me to think about stuff like this sometimes. Like we only tells ourselves, force ourselves to believe these things … have unrealistic aspirations for greater things than this life so we don’t all come to the same realization that I’m in. Without unrealistic dreams we would all have no purpose. No means to care. No desire to care. I almost don’t care. With every thing I have left I pray that I am meant for more than I am. That true, complete happiness is waiting for me down the corner. That all I have to do is find my way out of the house and figure out which way this corner lies.

It’s so ridiculously hard to believe that 10 days and 1 month from now … it will have been an entire year … three hundred and sixty-five long, long days since that phone call at 2:30 in the morning … and me knowing what it was. Resisting to answer praying I was wrong. 4 hours later and about 100 calls later I finally answered … got some things and drove my way to the hospital in Nashville. Meeting my dad at the entrance and finding out what I knew in my heart. Seeing an empty shell lying flat on a cold metal table simply waiting for them to allow her to move on. The very first thought I had was that she would hate us for keeping her when she had died so many hours ago. The very thing I said was to take her off it (the respirator) right now, with tears pouring down my face like rain on the floor. Going through the hardest week of my life … something that shouldn’t have happened for at least 20 more years. 7304 more days of her pouring her angelic heart out into the world … seeing such a bright soul enlightening everyone she came into contact with. Seeing how joyful she was with the enormous amount of pain and tragedy she underwent. I’ll never meet someone as … ‘Saintly’ and she was. It pains me to remember how well she handled things then look at myself. There must be something else. There has to be.

-josh

It’s hard to believe … nearly more than a month from now it will have been an entire year since my mom passed away. I still feel like I’m not the same person … it could have been 10 years or 1 week … I doubt I’ll ever feel much different. I doubt I’ll really want to. As much as it sucks feeling like this, I remember everything … and I always want to. No matter what.

lol i find some of the most random stuff huh

I miss that life I used to have … or what I think of it as today, now that I want things charged so badly. You think your life is terrible until it truly becomes so. Then you wish you were back at what you once thought to be hell. I guess that truly goes to show that there are different levels of hell, even here on Earth. Maybe once the rapture comes God will just totally disappear from our lives and just let us run wild. “Humanity” will take care of the rest. By nature we are all inherently evil looking for someone or something to make us a little more joyful and pure in different ways. Seeking atonement for what they’ve done and advice for the future. Surrounding themselves with people that they think will help them, people to keep them cheerful and ignoring the reality, the hell all around them.

What does one do if they’ve lost those that made them feel like they’ve completely escaped the world around them … this hell on earth. How do you go about finding something to do what they once did so amazingly well. How do you sleep when the world around you is all too real … when you think you’re seeing things clearly, the way they really are without all the shitty masks … the hiding from what you know is true … making sure to think of it as a pessimistic view on life because otherwise you go crazy.

Am I really too far gone to be able to find this person again? Is there no hope? The only reason I haven’t swallowed this bottle full of sleeping pill again is because of a couple of thoughts. One: I’ll never see my mom again if I do because I believe that suicide is a sin that’s unforgivable. You can’t knowingly do something and pray for forgiveness beforehand.  You cant show remorse for something you haven’t done and had time to think about. You can’t take something so valuable from God and expect no consequences. And if you’re already dead the only consequence you can face is Hell. Two: I’m afraid someone will find me again I manage to bring me back … finding the strength to do it in the first place is hard enough. Let alone explaining to others how and why. Telling them that you’re afraid to sleep because of the dreams you have… reality already freaks you out let alone the subconscious. I’d rather not try to sleep then sleeping a few minutes a night and having dreams that feel like an eternity has passed. Is it a guilty conscious … emotional backlash … or the reality that you’ll never have it all back. Or a bad mix between all of them … leaving some fucked up dreams … or nightmares rather. I stay in bed all day hoping to escape responsiblies … like they’ll go away if no one knows I exist. Like hiding from life will make it go away. Because I’ve tried changing it … fixing it. I’ve just found that it grows harder and harder the more I want / need it to be right again.

Classes start Monday … because of the shit during last semester I can’t even choose my classes until Friday … let alone some “Holds” on my account not letting me do anything until the school gets it shit changed. So who the hell knows when or if I’ll get the right classes. Who knows if I’ll be able to keep myself from taking these pills and staying here, away from everyone. Which is worse, living alone or dying alone?

Maybe I’ll be able to tell you. The question is will you care.

Someone come make me happy again, before I drop out of existance completely. Before I just don’t care enough once again that I lose touch with everyone. That I don’t even try to fake being okay.

I quit taking my meds about a month ago. Through selling the house, moving to my appartment, and other things I missed my appointment with the psychiatrist to get them all renewed. So I didn’t do anything. I didn’t like them. They made me forget things … and it wasn’t selective. I hated not remembering my mom … I used to have an emaculate memory, I could replay any event in my mind like I was there again. I could almost feel how things felt then … the touches, the smells … everything. That medicine made me lose those memories .. the only thing I have left now. The things that I thought were keeping me from losing her entirely. Now the effects of those meds linger on … either they had a lasting effect or not being able to remember it for so many nights made me lose touch of it. I almost prefered not sleeping so I could hold on to the memories. Whether they were killing me or not … I need them to be in some way “okay” with all of this … to not entirely be dead on the inside. I still pray that she’ll talk to me, outside of the halicinations and nightmares where things are insanely, horribly grotesque and worse than any horror movie I’ve ever seen. We’re things are too real to be real.

Make it all go away. Let me know you still exist!

-josh