From Dusk to Dawn

What is your reason for waking up and getting out of bed daily? Or more simply, what motivates you?

“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing - that’s why we recommend it daily.”
~ Zig Ziglar

I used to be able to answer such a question with great detail and ease. Now … it’s hard to begin to think of a good answer. The first thing that used to come to my mind used to be my mom … and maybe in some sense it still will be. But it’s harder than I could have ever imagined to wake up each day knowing the hell that awaits me. Picturing her in the ER again. Being angry at myself for leaving Nashville to go to Tech. I knew years ago that this was going to happen … I remember talking to my dad about it, telling him I’m afraid to leave her. And in the first year I was gone … I just had to be proven right on the worst thing in the world.

There’s talk of a “Euro Trip” next summer … I’ve never been out of the country myself. My mom had only been as far as Mexico and the Bahamas. I remember plenty of times I would joke around about how I was going to take her to Spain when I got my job as an Electrical Engineer making the “big bucks.” A part of me feels like I would have to go to Spain if I went to Europe. For her. But at the same time I would just feel terrible … thinking that my mom would love to be here with me.
Who knows if any of us will actually make it to Europe next summer … that’s a lot of money and a lot of time for people to change their minds and get some major cases of cold feet. I think that it could have the potential of being completely awesome or the exact opposite (a complete waste of money) with little room in between. Maybe that’s the “pessimist” in me coming out … or as I like to see it, the “realist.”

Here’s another fairly famous quote that oh so perfectly describes how one must live and see life so they don’t go to sleep and wake up with tears in their eyes each day.

Dance as though no one is watching you.
Love as though you have never been hurt before.
Sing as though no one can hear you.
Live as though heaven is on earth.
~Souza

What motivates you?

-josh

Always and Forever

What could I possibly say … what words will convey the true feelings in my heart … in my soul … in my dreams? I use to wake up every morning and wonder if it had been the worst, mostly sadly realistic dream in my life … for a split second wondering if I open my bedroom door whether or not I’ll see hers open with her light on. Then her making some silly remark about how she thought I was going to sleep all day. But that hasn’t happened. Every morning I open that door and see hers shut. Her door was never closed before. No matter what time of day … no matter what happened … she was always there. Now she will never really be there … not when apply for my internship … not when I graduate from college … not when I get my first (real) job … not when I get married or even have my first child. She was always able to bring so much joy to others … through her amazing smile … and her complete concern for others and ability to put whatever pain she is feeling aside and help another. I don’t think I will ever fully understand how she was able to make it through the pain … and when you walk in the room and see her crying she acts like it had never happened, like the pain wasn’t real … just to try and keep you from worrying about her. We’ll never know exactly what happened … or why she knew a couple of days before … hell, even when I was there Spring Break, how she knew what lied ahead of her and how soon it would be. I’m not even completely sure I can name every illness she had … congestive heart failure, rheumatoid arthritis, chronic migraines, diabetes, asthma (caused by the rheumatoid arthritis) … not to mention all of the ridiculous side effects that the massive amounts of medication that she was on caused her. She was told to stay out of the sun because some of her medications have more than adverse reactions in direct sunlight. She used to still insist on going outside and working in the garden when nobody was there to stop her. She sunburned so terribly in less than 15 minutes … not to mention that she could get out of breath trying to make it to the bathroom, let alone to lawn work. I can tell you how many times I had been talking to her and she just broke down … saying that she felt worthless … hating herself for not being able to cook for me and my sister dinner each night (or even at all). Spring break was the last time I saw or even talked to her. She told me many things that just made me want to cry. She just kept saying that she hated her body and that she didn’t understand how any of this happened to her or how she was going to be able to do anything at all anymore. I had never seen anyone with such strength before, and something tells me that I will meet anyone that even comes close. She never complained … about anything. That was just the way she was. She never wanted to be a burden on anyone else or add to someone else’s pain. She was the definition of “selfless.” As a one of the many teachers that she helped get there start … to find happiness and prosperity in their work … said at her funeral, “she wore her disease with great dignity.” I think that is the simplest and possibly best way to say it. She enjoyed teaching more than anything … it was her life. I doubt that there was any part of it that she would have willingly given up. She was wonderful with the students … although sometimes she referred to certain classes as the “zoo crew” she loved them all and treated them with the respect they deserved. I believe that’s one of the most important qualities of a great teacher. You receive no respect unless you give it to others first. Because of that her students enjoyed her class. She taught much more than just the textbook. The regular textbooks bored even her. I can’t tell you how many Spanish games, music, and other activities she had. She could have opened her own Spanish teachers store (no joke). She was the woman to go to if you were just beginning your new career as a Spanish teacher. She would show them how to do everything … the types of things you would never think of. She even gave them some of her supplies to work with … and I’m not talking about markers and erases and that kind of stuff. I’m talking about some of her old gradebooks … a collection of various Spanish books, movies, games … the whole works. I guess that’s why she hated to throw anything away just about anything. It was crazy … she was such a pack-rat, but she always knew where absolutely anything was … anywhere in the house … even if it was tucked in some random box beneath a mass of junk in the abyss that is our garage. Many of the words that people said to me that night meant a lot, whether they knew it or not. I met some people that found my mom as one of their greatest inspirations … a guide to finding their way to the right path in life … in many ways.
I hurts to know that I’ll never truly know what my mom thought of me … or for her to know what I thought of her. People always say things that they don’t mean … put on a face to make others feel happy … tell them what you expect they want to hear. My mom never lied but she also kept the truth from us all because she didn’t feel it would help to know … to know how much she hurt … to know the turmoil she went through each and everyday. And a lot of times people never really say things that they know they should … like how much you love someone … or simply telling them that you made a mistake. People will tell me that “I’m sure she knew” … but you know … what if she didn’t? What if she meant to talk to me before you left? The only way I can talk to her is pray and hope she’s listening.
I get scared as time goes on. Everything seems to bother me less and less … yet that in of itself bothers me in a way. I’d almost prefer it to bother me, because when it does I’m thinking about my mom … not forgetting who and what she was. I’m afraid as things become “more and more okay” that in doing so I will forget a little more and more of my mom. Some memories will always be there, yes … but others will fade … thoughts will disappear … and she will become merely an idea instead of a memory.

I’ve included the “eulogy” (although as you can probably tell it seems more to me like a letter to my mom … something more for myself instead of others) that I read at her funeral. I’m surprised I actually made it all the way through it without bursting out crying, but I felt her presence with me … her strength.

To My Loving Mother, Whom I Always Have and Will Love: -Joshua
My mom was the most loving and caring person I have ever met, and probably ever will meet. No matt what it was, she was always there. She was always willing to listen and help in anyway she could, taking your problems on as her own. I know very well, in many ways and forms, that my mom loved my sister and I more than any other earthly thing. She never felt like she needed make-up, and she rarely wore jewelry … she preferred to let her God-given beauty shine threw her day in and day out. She never felt the need to buy anymore than she needed, and many times she sacrificed what she needed for what my sister and I wanted. She would have done absolutely anything to see the two of us happy; just to see us smile would bring her all of the the joy in the world.
As a teacher, I could see no better. I remember many years ago she said that her main drive in getting the rest of her education and becoming a teacher, lied with on simple statement from her father (may he rest in peace). All I know is that he told her that she couldn’t do it, that it wasn’t her place because she was a woman. As hurtful as something like that could be, it became her driving force, her first real purpose in life (past serving the Lord) … she had to prove her father wrong. Nobody could begin to imagine how wrong she would end up proving him. Between her time spent in Houston, Texas (where both my sister and I were born) and here in Tennessee, she managed to teach for over 25 years. But at this point it was no longer out of spite; she had developed a deep love for teaching. She enjoying her job … and not many people can actually say that and mean it like she did.
She loved teaching Spanish … she loved the language … she immersed herself in it all. I had a friend this past weekend (two days before she died) as me if I had ever been out of the country. I answered, “sadly no, but the first thing I would do would be to take my mom to Spain.” She had only been as far as Mexico and the islands herself. I can’t imagine how crazy she would have gone if I had told her one day that I was taking her to Spain.
In her better years she would stay after school for many hours, just getting things prepared for the next few days, grading papers, etc. ; sometimes she even went in on the weekends for a full day. And never once would she complain. Sometimes I would go with her and do whatever I could to help … sometimes she even let me grade papers and enter them into the computer (which was a no-no for many reasons) … and I could see that it made her happy for me to be there with her. She was the most dedicated teachers … and I’m sure any one of her students would tell you the same. Showing her further dedication to her career, she was a long and proud member of the Tennessee Foreign Language Teacher’s Association, and not too long ago she was elected Vice-President. She loved her work.
One thing that I have complete faith in is that she is finally where she belongs. She’s in Heaven … with the Lord … happier and healthier than she ever could have wished for. If anyone has any doubts about their faith, whether God and Heaven exist, whether or not this life here is the end … if you could only have one ounce of faith in my mother then all of those seemingly difficult and complicated questions would be more than easily answered. Throughout her entire life, every single thing she had been through, with the discovery of each new illness/disease, even up until the very last second … her very last breath, she did everything she knew how to serve the Lord. On Monday night (the day she died), I felt the need to search … I don’t know what I wanted or what I was looking for … but I think I found it. Nobody here had the ability, the means to make me feel any better at all. the only person I can give that credit to is now finally where she belongs, in joyful peace with the Lord. I found many things that night, but what felt the most amazing and wonderful to me were a few of her Prayer Journals and Notes on Scriptures. It seemed as though the first one I picked up was meant to be … it’s exactly what I needed … and my mom gave it to me:

“The LORD bless you and keep you;
The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you;
The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace.”

It wouldn’t be difficult for many to lose faith during everything she went through (or even less), but I believe it kept her strong and allowed her to continue on with smiles during immense amounts of pain and tears. I now that my sister and I also had a lot to do with it. She pushed herself to go to work (before going on disability) many days just because of me and my sister. I have never seen someone so strong, so determined … so loving. In one of her journals she has these scriptures hi-lighted:

“Life without love is really worthless.”
“Love will last forever.”
“We will be evaluated on our love.”
“The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Galations 5:14

She more than surpassed these, whether she felt it or not.

“As the spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like Him and reflect His glory even more.” 2 Corinthians 3:18b
“Stay focused on God’s plan” … “Thank Him that He will use your problems to fulfill his purposes.”
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
“God Bless the people who patiently endure testing. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12
“God began doing a good work in you, and I am sure He will continue it until it is finished when Jesus Christ comes again.” Phillipians 1:6

I honestly believe that my mom knew what was coming. From the way I left the last time I saw her to the way I felt the night before she passed … it was clear that she was ready to meet the Lord in Heaven. She had been preparing all of us for a long time, trying to make as many arrangements as she could. I’ve been told that she sent many e-mails this past weekend, to family and friends, almost as a way of saying goodbye. I think she had only been holding on because of her family and friends, and to make everything as “right” with the world as she could. if she had had any less will power … and less strength … she would have passed long ago. But her faith, love, and stubbornness managed to keep her here with us, mainly for our benefit. To me she was perfect … from her pretty blue eyes to the way she could always to make me smile. She had so much joy in her … I believe everyone knew that. the only possible way to get through tis is to now there is no more pain for her, no more tears, no more doctors or hospitals. She had always loved angels of any kind. There have to be hundreds all over the house. Now she is surrounded by the thing … and I’d like to think that she’s one of them too.

Thanks for taking the time to read this (assuming you made it this far). If this spirit moves you leave me a comment. Make it as long as this post is if you like … or one word. I’m bored and alone … and forever morning.

Pray for me friends. Please.

With love,
-Josh