Tell me I’m not the only one…
Here’s one of many oddities about how my mind works:
First I wish my friends and I would hang out more often. We talk about it all the time, but it rarely leads to anything. I get all pokey and eager, then when the possibility arises (mainly from a phone call) I crap out and tend to not respond (in this case answer the phone). If they leave a voicemail I’ll wait days before I listen to it and if they don’t I find myself upset that they didn’t “feel I was worth leaving a message.”
This same type of thinking also goes for people I don’t really care to talk to, like my dad.
I guess it’s all about simply wanting to feel wanted (?) … and nothing else. Although I really used to enjoy hanging out with my friends … my entire perspective on life really has changed. And even though I realize how … anxiety-related, overly-pessimistic, and uber-depressed my views are … in no way does that change them. In fact, in some ways it makes it worse. Because then I realize that I’m crazy (acknowledgement is the first step?) and that I don’t have the power and/or desire to do anything about it … but that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t wish things were different.
My brain is overly-complex. I’d prefer not being able to dissect the oddities of my own life and just be content with the sadness and shittiness no matter what.
In other news, I find that I’m addicted to sleeping pills. At least I’m sleeping?
Whatever
It’s Weird
My phone rings a lot. 9 times out of 10 it’s either an unknown / blocked number and of course I don’t answer. The ones that aren’t I either don’t recognize or don’t care to talk to. Yet some strange piece of me wonders … hopes? … like in some episode from the Twilight Zone … that my mom could be on the other end of that line. Maybe that’s one of the underlying reasons that I can’t force myself to pick it up and find out who in the crap keeps calling me. Maybe I’d rather not know who it is so I can keep this odd belief in the back of my mind. Many people would say that there’s no such thing as miracles or signs, that it’s all just coincidence. Sometimes I’m not even sure how I would respond to that after all of this. It’s weird the things that make you question … wonder. I often look up at the clock and it’s 12:34. I don’t know how many times a week … walk outside and feel the soft wind on my face … see an amazing sunrise or sunset … find myself unable to sleep and only able to think about one thing. Sometimes I think (or would truly love to believe) these are tiny messages from her saying Hi … as apposed to just pieces of her left behind in me.
To feel so hopeless and so hopefull at once is probably the strangest emotion one can feel. All at once I feel as though my life is dead and over, like there is nothing left that I can do of enough worth to get up for the next day. And yet I pray that there is more. That there is something to all of this that I am missing, or forgotten, and htat there will be some pivatul moment to set it all in motion. The whole sound of that seems too cinematic to exist in real life but there’s some tiny piece of me that seems to think otherwise. That piece reminds me so much of my mom … and if that’s what she left for … if she allowed me to at least feel like there was some larger, more worthwhile reason to not hate the utter existance of life, come so close to loathing God for world that we live in and the state that things are, and on the edge of allowing myself to leave this place … if she has that power, still … then she is more of an angel than I had ever imagined. Seems absolutley ridiculous to me to think about stuff like this sometimes. Like we only tells ourselves, force ourselves to believe these things … have unrealistic aspirations for greater things than this life so we don’t all come to the same realization that I’m in. Without unrealistic dreams we would all have no purpose. No means to care. No desire to care. I almost don’t care. With every thing I have left I pray that I am meant for more than I am. That true, complete happiness is waiting for me down the corner. That all I have to do is find my way out of the house and figure out which way this corner lies.
It’s so ridiculously hard to believe that 10 days and 1 month from now … it will have been an entire year … three hundred and sixty-five long, long days since that phone call at 2:30 in the morning … and me knowing what it was. Resisting to answer praying I was wrong. 4 hours later and about 100 calls later I finally answered … got some things and drove my way to the hospital in Nashville. Meeting my dad at the entrance and finding out what I knew in my heart. Seeing an empty shell lying flat on a cold metal table simply waiting for them to allow her to move on. The very first thought I had was that she would hate us for keeping her when she had died so many hours ago. The very thing I said was to take her off it (the respirator) right now, with tears pouring down my face like rain on the floor. Going through the hardest week of my life … something that shouldn’t have happened for at least 20 more years. 7304 more days of her pouring her angelic heart out into the world … seeing such a bright soul enlightening everyone she came into contact with. Seeing how joyful she was with the enormous amount of pain and tragedy she underwent. I’ll never meet someone as … ‘Saintly’ and she was. It pains me to remember how well she handled things then look at myself. There must be something else. There has to be.
-josh
Lovey Dovey Bullcrap
Forgotten what the holidays are.
Missed birthdays.
Lost friends.
Misplaced dreams and aspirations.
Lost the sense of who I am.
Ever present, always forgotten.
Me.
-josh
Saturdays …
… God’s gift to the world 
It’s hard to believe … nearly more than a month from now it will have been an entire year since my mom passed away. I still feel like I’m not the same person … it could have been 10 years or 1 week … I doubt I’ll ever feel much different. I doubt I’ll really want to. As much as it sucks feeling like this, I remember everything … and I always want to. No matter what.
lol i find some of the most random stuff huh 