Happy (belated) Birthday to Me!
So while I was cleaning out my “living room” yesterday I went through this big ole box that I’d just left sitting there for … oh I dunno, 4 months? I found a bunch of things that just got me reminiscing about quite a bit of things, but I found a load of birthday cards I had, for some reason, saved (i think i found cards as far back as my first birthday…) and ran across one that looked like it had my mom’s writing on the envelope. So, of course, I open it and remember it’s one that she had written for my 20th birthday (we found a whole box full of cards that she had prepared for everyone in the family, a full year before their birthdays) and got a little teary eyed just reading the message again. For some reason, every time I read something of hers … it’s almost like I was meant to (if that makes sense?). Like it’s exactly what I need to hear at that moment to keep me happy and not fall back into the horribly sad state I used to be in. Even though she wrote it many months before my birthday, the message was still special.
Wishing you the best of everything today and everyday!
‘Take time to enjoy the special things in life.’
You deserve to enjoy life. I am so very proud of you.
Love, Mom.
The bold portion was the stuff already printed on the card. At times I find myself dwelling on … everything … which in turn makes me pretty unhappy. And for lack of a better way to put this, sometimes dwelling on all that happened with her tends to keep a fog over my life … although I dwell to remember … dwelling is probably the worst way to deal with it. I also find myself grabbing hidden meanings (whether originally intended on being there or not) from life in general. Those words … I felt like it was her reminding me to not worry about her anymore. That she’s finally got the ultimate happiness and that I should no longer focus on the sadness and pain she lived in and realize it was all for the best, for everyone. Me being happy used to bring her such great joy. I’d like to think that it still can.
Sometimes I do find myself wondering how long she knew she wasn’t going to get better … how long she consciously knew that she was actually going to die from this … that she wouldn’t ever meet her grandchildren or see either one of her children get married or graduate college. I wonder if she had a choice in it. Like if you’ve ever seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose (warning: spoiler ahead 
) … near the end they show her having a dream and meeting Mary. Mary tells her that she has the choice to stay on this Earth and continue to endure great pain and be an amazing witness the world … or she could go ahead and leave with Mary to heaven and end the pain immediately. She chose to stay. My mind can’t help but wonder if something like that happened … to some degree. That whole concept might just sound ridiculous to some people … in fact it all may … but a (big) part of me feels it could be a reality … in every sense.
She chose to stay.
Here’s to happiness,
-josh
PS. I found a picture of my baby cousin from when she was only a year old (she’s three now) … and then I thought, “hey, that looks really familiar…” So I checked my other pics and matched it up.
and here’s the one from a couple of weeks ago…
i love how amazingly similar the pictures are! she makes me smile 
PPS. My sister’s boyfriend got her a new bunny … teehee
