Has Nothing Changed?

All this time has gone by … since my mom died … since I broke up with (insert name here). Why does it feel like each day I wake up I’m back at square one … that day by day my surroundings may differ but my mind is in the exact same state as it was 5 minutes after it happened. If you go back 9 months from now do my posts seem much different? I mean … I don’t talk about some shit anymore because it’s just … I don’t know, almost not even worth it. The two most important, most influential people that have been in my life are now gone and in one way or the other completely unreachable. You don’t feel dependent on something until it’s gone. Regardless of what it is you don’t realize how much you need it until you no longer have it. Each of us have that something … maybe you know you need and maybe you don’t. But it’s the thing that you don’t realize you need that you need the most. Has anyone else lost something and found your life … gone? I need help … talking to people in most cases just makes things awkward. They either think I’m crazy and need to be institutionalized or they just say something that they know won’t help anything just as an escape method. And then you most likely will never talk to them again and if you do things will always be slightly off because they just don’t want to get involved. Then there are those that seem too interested and tend to bother me. Is it too much to ask for something in between?

I miss that life I used to have … or what I think of it as today, now that I want things charged so badly. You think your life is terrible until it truly becomes so. Then you wish you were back at what you once thought to be hell. I guess that truly goes to show that there are different levels of hell, even here on Earth. Maybe once the rapture comes God will just totally disappear from our lives and just let us run wild. “Humanity” will take care of the rest. By nature we are all inherently evil looking for someone or something to make us a little more joyful and pure in different ways. Seeking atonement for what they’ve done and advice for the future. Surrounding themselves with people that they think will help them, people to keep them cheerful and ignoring the reality, the hell all around them.

What does one do if they’ve lost those that made them feel like they’ve completely escaped the world around them … this hell on earth. How do you go about finding something to do what they once did so amazingly well. How do you sleep when the world around you is all too real … when you think you’re seeing things clearly, the way they really are without all the shitty masks … the hiding from what you know is true … making sure to think of it as a pessimistic view on life because otherwise you go crazy.

Am I really too far gone to be able to find this person again? Is there no hope? The only reason I haven’t swallowed this bottle full of sleeping pill again is because of a couple of thoughts. One: I’ll never see my mom again if I do because I believe that suicide is a sin that’s unforgivable. You can’t knowingly do something and pray for forgiveness beforehand.  You cant show remorse for something you haven’t done and had time to think about. You can’t take something so valuable from God and expect no consequences. And if you’re already dead the only consequence you can face is Hell. Two: I’m afraid someone will find me again I manage to bring me back … finding the strength to do it in the first place is hard enough. Let alone explaining to others how and why. Telling them that you’re afraid to sleep because of the dreams you have… reality already freaks you out let alone the subconscious. I’d rather not try to sleep then sleeping a few minutes a night and having dreams that feel like an eternity has passed. Is it a guilty conscious … emotional backlash … or the reality that you’ll never have it all back. Or a bad mix between all of them … leaving some fucked up dreams … or nightmares rather. I stay in bed all day hoping to escape responsiblies … like they’ll go away if no one knows I exist. Like hiding from life will make it go away. Because I’ve tried changing it … fixing it. I’ve just found that it grows harder and harder the more I want / need it to be right again.

Classes start Monday … because of the shit during last semester I can’t even choose my classes until Friday … let alone some “Holds” on my account not letting me do anything until the school gets it shit changed. So who the hell knows when or if I’ll get the right classes. Who knows if I’ll be able to keep myself from taking these pills and staying here, away from everyone. Which is worse, living alone or dying alone?

Maybe I’ll be able to tell you. The question is will you care.

Someone come make me happy again, before I drop out of existance completely. Before I just don’t care enough once again that I lose touch with everyone. That I don’t even try to fake being okay.

I quit taking my meds about a month ago. Through selling the house, moving to my appartment, and other things I missed my appointment with the psychiatrist to get them all renewed. So I didn’t do anything. I didn’t like them. They made me forget things … and it wasn’t selective. I hated not remembering my mom … I used to have an emaculate memory, I could replay any event in my mind like I was there again. I could almost feel how things felt then … the touches, the smells … everything. That medicine made me lose those memories .. the only thing I have left now. The things that I thought were keeping me from losing her entirely. Now the effects of those meds linger on … either they had a lasting effect or not being able to remember it for so many nights made me lose touch of it. I almost prefered not sleeping so I could hold on to the memories. Whether they were killing me or not … I need them to be in some way “okay” with all of this … to not entirely be dead on the inside. I still pray that she’ll talk to me, outside of the halicinations and nightmares where things are insanely, horribly grotesque and worse than any horror movie I’ve ever seen. We’re things are too real to be real.

Make it all go away. Let me know you still exist!

-josh