!Hero: The Rock Opera
It’s possibly the best “movie” and album I’ve seen (listened to) … ever.
If you haven’t seen the show (which I was sad to find out that they actually did one in Nashville and I missed it 
) you definitely should check out the DVD or CD. Personally I like the music on the DVD version better, probably because it doesn’t sound like it’s been so … “studioized” if you know what I mean. The premise of the show is about a modern day version of the Jesus story. Michael Tait (from dcTalk) plays the role of Jesus (and does it wonderfully). Other well-known bands / people include the lead singer from Audio Adrenaline, Rebecca St. James, T. Bone (from Grits?), and others that I’d recognize if I heard their names 
I remember watching the movie the week after my mom died. I had just come back to school on a weekend and only a couple of my friends knew why I was gone for a week. My roommate was home for the weekend so I sat in my room that night and started to watch it because I had first seen it with my mom (not to mention the way the movie makes you feel in general). I was about halfway through it and was balling my eyes for various reasons when a friend comes in my room and starts talking about when his mom died a few years back. We chatted for a few minutes and I got a little emotional but nothing more than a few more tears. He commented on how well I was taking everything that had happened and how I still had faith in everything. I remember still being “numb” at that point but I still said that it was because of her that I still had any faith. The way she was before she got extremely sick, how she was during, and especially during the last month she was here… She’s honestly the last thing holding me to my faith. Without her being the way she was, I wouldn’t be who I am … even if I don’t feel like I’m anything like what I used to be at times.
I used to feel like I really was a “good person” … but these days I’m not sure about pretty much everything. I’ve done things in the last year that I truly regret, and I know I’ll never be able to take back. I know if I truly desire and ask for it, the Lord will forgive me … but I believe I’ll have to forgive myself first, which is probably the biggest step. I believe the quote on my FaceBook applies perfectly here: “Don’t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become.” Our past experiences … triumphs, failures, distresses, accomplishments … shouldn’t destine us to a certain path in life, but they should help us realize what that path should be and where it should take us. Everything is much easier said than done, but sometimes saying it helps you get it done; adds it to the proverbial list.
I really need to start going to church again … It’s been hard to even think about going for a long time now, because church for me was getting ready at home and driving my mom (or with my mom, when I was younger) and walking my mom in (more recently, basically carrying her in) and sitting next to her in the pew. Seeing the joyous look on her face during the whole service. For about the last six months while she was here she wasn’t able to go to church at all, so our church was nice enough to send her copies of the service on DVD to watch… which she did religiously (no pun intended). She even paused it to take notes on the sermon. I have gone to church since she’s passed, but it was never the same. I guess I can’t expect it to be the same, but it just didn’t feel … like it was doing me more good than not going (as bad as that sounds). I’ve been looking for someone to be like an accountability partner, where we’d make sure the other goes to church, as well as other things I suppose. Asked a few friends and it never happened for various reasons. I guess the lesson is you should only count on yourself for certain things, and go with a “willing heart” — I believe there’s a passage in the Bible about not going to church with the feeling of contempt in your heart. These feelings come in spurts, this one is probably because in a week from today it will have been exactly a year since she died. And I still haven’t gone to see the grave yet. A part of me feels like I’ll no longer be able to tell myself it hasn’t happened if I don’t see it “set in stone” … and I know that’s a bad way to think/feel but a part of me would still like to imagine it had never happened … believe that one day I’ll wake up in a horrible sweat and realize it was all a really long, realistic, drawn-out nightmare. Reality is overrated.
In a randomly related thought, I wish dcTalk was still together… because none of them by themselves are ever as good as the three of them together 
In other non-related (but still random) news, I’m attempting to teach myself about Object Oriented PHP (functions, classes, blah blah) because it’s widely used and probably more efficient method for a lot of things — not to mention it would help make code more widely distributable. (ie. FaceBook’s API, WordPress, etc etc)
that’s all for now…
-josh
PS. Here’s a Video Awareness Test
Yea, I definitely failed lol