Life and Love and Why

It’s been a year to date now since my mom died. For some reason I thought it’d be some amazingly difficult day or that something really memorable was going to happen. I guess I’m glad it hasn’t turned out that way so far. Honestly a part of me would almost like to really broken up about all of it and just have it on my mind more clearly. But that’s really silly to say, let alone think.

I still haven’t gone to see her grave. It’s been a year and I’ve managed to avoid making the trip somehow. It’s actually sad to think about how I’ve not gone. But I’m honestly not sure if my sister has either. We just don’t talk about it. It’s a three hour drive … and many times I’ve just thought about getting up and going randomly. Other times I’ve tried to hint that I’d like a friend to go with me to make it a little easier. But I wouldn’t want to be that friend if the situation was reversed, so I’m not at all surprised that hasn’t happened either.

I sent myself a letter on FutureMe.org that’ll be sent on May 5, 2010. To remind myself who I am now and hoping I’ve stayed true to myself and hopefully accomplished something by then

Dear FutureMe,

Have you changed any yet? Have you decided that it’s okay to get drunk all of the time and go against every thing you used to believe in? Have you managed to still be happy and yet keep your virginity?

Are you in a relationship? Is she nice?

Please tell me you’re going to church once again. Please.

Have you finally taken it upon yourself to visit mom’s grave? You really need to. Seriously. She’d feel a little sad if you haven’t by now.

I hope you’re something that would make her happy, but at the same token I hope you’re something that you can be happy being.

How’s school going? I’m hoping you’ve graduated college by now. If not I hope there’s not much more left to take. Mom would want you to be productive in life and not depressed because of everything that’s happened. Don’t do that to yourself, not anymore.

Do you ever talk to Dad anymore? What about Carolyn or Dillon? (your used to be step-family) Have you finally forgiven him for … being him?

Do you talk to Christina very much? You really should talk to her more. Because when you’re (even) older, you’re going to wish you had.

I hope two years has helped clear things up and make life a little more clear. Most importantly I hope you’re happy. And not just acting like you are. Move on, be excited to wake up again. Remember everything that you love and that there are genuinely good people out there to make it all worthwhile.

Stay strong, live happy, be yourself.
-the sophomore in college, You

I have some fun stories I could tell right now … but they’re too funny to even post here … lol, just trust me

Remembering the good ole days,

-josh