“Sweet People”

So I just found this amongst a heap of papers sitting on my kitchen counter. I must have been like 10 when I did this … I pray I wasn’t any older than that… lol …

Sometimes Hello’s and Good-Bye’s aren’t easy
Even so far this poem is pretty cheesy
I love my mom more than anything in the state
And this is not up for debate!

She is the main one in my life
And I don’t know what is the meaning of strife
She is a computer wizard
And I’m not in a blizzard
When she’s sick I feel as though I want to cry
And sometimes I kill myself just as I try
I don’t because it would hurt her even more
So if I want to cry I will go strait through the door!

Last but not least,
She’s as careful with me as you have to be with yeast
And another thing I wish I could copy her to a 3.5 floppy disk
So I can copy all her love with out the risk of missing her love!

I wish that was less lame and made more sense than it did. I got a little laugh out of reading and trying to figure out what in the world possessed me to not only write this, but type it and keep it for 10 years …

Well, I guess it’s good that I can laugh at myself … a lot.

(now you can too … and probably will )

Back to studying

Happy (belated) Birthday to Me!

So while I was cleaning out my “living room” yesterday I went through this big ole box that I’d just left sitting there for … oh I dunno, 4 months? I found a bunch of things that just got me reminiscing about quite a bit of things, but I found a load of birthday cards I had, for some reason, saved (i think i found cards as far back as my first birthday…) and ran across one that looked like it had my mom’s writing on the envelope. So, of course, I open it and remember it’s one that she had written for my 20th birthday (we found a whole box full of cards that she had prepared for everyone in the family, a full year before their birthdays) and got a little teary eyed just reading the message again. For some reason, every time I read something of hers … it’s almost like I was meant to (if that makes sense?). Like it’s exactly what I need to hear at that moment to keep me happy and not fall back into the horribly sad state I used to be in. Even though she wrote it many months before my birthday, the message was still special.

Wishing you the best of everything today and everyday!

‘Take time to enjoy the special things in life.’

You deserve to enjoy life. I am so very proud of you.

Love, Mom.

The bold portion was the stuff already printed on the card. At times I find myself dwelling on … everything … which in turn makes me pretty unhappy. And for lack of a better way to put this, sometimes dwelling on all that happened with her tends to keep a fog over my life … although I dwell to remember … dwelling is probably the worst way to deal with it. I also find myself grabbing hidden meanings (whether originally intended on being there or not) from life in general. Those words … I felt like it was her reminding me to not worry about her anymore. That she’s finally got the ultimate happiness and that I should no longer focus on the sadness and pain she lived in and realize it was all for the best, for everyone. Me being happy used to bring her such great joy. I’d like to think that it still can.

Sometimes I do find myself wondering how long she knew she wasn’t going to get better … how long she consciously knew that she was actually going to die from this … that she wouldn’t ever meet her grandchildren or see either one of her children get married or graduate college. I wonder if she had a choice in it. Like if you’ve ever seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose (warning: spoiler ahead ) … near the end they show her having a dream and meeting Mary. Mary tells her that she has the choice to stay on this Earth and continue to endure great pain and be an amazing witness the world … or she could go ahead and leave with Mary to heaven and end the pain immediately. She chose to stay. My mind can’t help but wonder if something like that happened … to some degree. That whole concept might just sound ridiculous to some people … in fact it all may … but a (big) part of me feels it could be a reality … in every sense.

She chose to stay.

Here’s to happiness,

-josh

PS. I found a picture of my baby cousin from when she was only a year old (she’s three now) … and then I thought, “hey, that looks really familiar…” So I checked my other pics and matched it up.

and here’s the one from a couple of weeks ago…

i love how amazingly similar the pictures are! she makes me smile

PPS. My sister’s boyfriend got her a new bunny … teehee

Life and Love and Why

It’s been a year to date now since my mom died. For some reason I thought it’d be some amazingly difficult day or that something really memorable was going to happen. I guess I’m glad it hasn’t turned out that way so far. Honestly a part of me would almost like to really broken up about all of it and just have it on my mind more clearly. But that’s really silly to say, let alone think.

I still haven’t gone to see her grave. It’s been a year and I’ve managed to avoid making the trip somehow. It’s actually sad to think about how I’ve not gone. But I’m honestly not sure if my sister has either. We just don’t talk about it. It’s a three hour drive … and many times I’ve just thought about getting up and going randomly. Other times I’ve tried to hint that I’d like a friend to go with me to make it a little easier. But I wouldn’t want to be that friend if the situation was reversed, so I’m not at all surprised that hasn’t happened either.

I sent myself a letter on FutureMe.org that’ll be sent on May 5, 2010. To remind myself who I am now and hoping I’ve stayed true to myself and hopefully accomplished something by then

Dear FutureMe,

Have you changed any yet? Have you decided that it’s okay to get drunk all of the time and go against every thing you used to believe in? Have you managed to still be happy and yet keep your virginity?

Are you in a relationship? Is she nice?

Please tell me you’re going to church once again. Please.

Have you finally taken it upon yourself to visit mom’s grave? You really need to. Seriously. She’d feel a little sad if you haven’t by now.

I hope you’re something that would make her happy, but at the same token I hope you’re something that you can be happy being.

How’s school going? I’m hoping you’ve graduated college by now. If not I hope there’s not much more left to take. Mom would want you to be productive in life and not depressed because of everything that’s happened. Don’t do that to yourself, not anymore.

Do you ever talk to Dad anymore? What about Carolyn or Dillon? (your used to be step-family) Have you finally forgiven him for … being him?

Do you talk to Christina very much? You really should talk to her more. Because when you’re (even) older, you’re going to wish you had.

I hope two years has helped clear things up and make life a little more clear. Most importantly I hope you’re happy. And not just acting like you are. Move on, be excited to wake up again. Remember everything that you love and that there are genuinely good people out there to make it all worthwhile.

Stay strong, live happy, be yourself.
-the sophomore in college, You

I have some fun stories I could tell right now … but they’re too funny to even post here … lol, just trust me

Remembering the good ole days,

-josh

Has Nothing Changed?

All this time has gone by … since my mom died … since I broke up with (insert name here). Why does it feel like each day I wake up I’m back at square one … that day by day my surroundings may differ but my mind is in the exact same state as it was 5 minutes after it happened. If you go back 9 months from now do my posts seem much different? I mean … I don’t talk about some shit anymore because it’s just … I don’t know, almost not even worth it. The two most important, most influential people that have been in my life are now gone and in one way or the other completely unreachable. You don’t feel dependent on something until it’s gone. Regardless of what it is you don’t realize how much you need it until you no longer have it. Each of us have that something … maybe you know you need and maybe you don’t. But it’s the thing that you don’t realize you need that you need the most. Has anyone else lost something and found your life … gone? I need help … talking to people in most cases just makes things awkward. They either think I’m crazy and need to be institutionalized or they just say something that they know won’t help anything just as an escape method. And then you most likely will never talk to them again and if you do things will always be slightly off because they just don’t want to get involved. Then there are those that seem too interested and tend to bother me. Is it too much to ask for something in between?

I miss that life I used to have … or what I think of it as today, now that I want things charged so badly. You think your life is terrible until it truly becomes so. Then you wish you were back at what you once thought to be hell. I guess that truly goes to show that there are different levels of hell, even here on Earth. Maybe once the rapture comes God will just totally disappear from our lives and just let us run wild. “Humanity” will take care of the rest. By nature we are all inherently evil looking for someone or something to make us a little more joyful and pure in different ways. Seeking atonement for what they’ve done and advice for the future. Surrounding themselves with people that they think will help them, people to keep them cheerful and ignoring the reality, the hell all around them.

What does one do if they’ve lost those that made them feel like they’ve completely escaped the world around them … this hell on earth. How do you go about finding something to do what they once did so amazingly well. How do you sleep when the world around you is all too real … when you think you’re seeing things clearly, the way they really are without all the shitty masks … the hiding from what you know is true … making sure to think of it as a pessimistic view on life because otherwise you go crazy.

Am I really too far gone to be able to find this person again? Is there no hope? The only reason I haven’t swallowed this bottle full of sleeping pill again is because of a couple of thoughts. One: I’ll never see my mom again if I do because I believe that suicide is a sin that’s unforgivable. You can’t knowingly do something and pray for forgiveness beforehand.  You cant show remorse for something you haven’t done and had time to think about. You can’t take something so valuable from God and expect no consequences. And if you’re already dead the only consequence you can face is Hell. Two: I’m afraid someone will find me again I manage to bring me back … finding the strength to do it in the first place is hard enough. Let alone explaining to others how and why. Telling them that you’re afraid to sleep because of the dreams you have… reality already freaks you out let alone the subconscious. I’d rather not try to sleep then sleeping a few minutes a night and having dreams that feel like an eternity has passed. Is it a guilty conscious … emotional backlash … or the reality that you’ll never have it all back. Or a bad mix between all of them … leaving some fucked up dreams … or nightmares rather. I stay in bed all day hoping to escape responsiblies … like they’ll go away if no one knows I exist. Like hiding from life will make it go away. Because I’ve tried changing it … fixing it. I’ve just found that it grows harder and harder the more I want / need it to be right again.

Classes start Monday … because of the shit during last semester I can’t even choose my classes until Friday … let alone some “Holds” on my account not letting me do anything until the school gets it shit changed. So who the hell knows when or if I’ll get the right classes. Who knows if I’ll be able to keep myself from taking these pills and staying here, away from everyone. Which is worse, living alone or dying alone?

Maybe I’ll be able to tell you. The question is will you care.

Someone come make me happy again, before I drop out of existance completely. Before I just don’t care enough once again that I lose touch with everyone. That I don’t even try to fake being okay.

I quit taking my meds about a month ago. Through selling the house, moving to my appartment, and other things I missed my appointment with the psychiatrist to get them all renewed. So I didn’t do anything. I didn’t like them. They made me forget things … and it wasn’t selective. I hated not remembering my mom … I used to have an emaculate memory, I could replay any event in my mind like I was there again. I could almost feel how things felt then … the touches, the smells … everything. That medicine made me lose those memories .. the only thing I have left now. The things that I thought were keeping me from losing her entirely. Now the effects of those meds linger on … either they had a lasting effect or not being able to remember it for so many nights made me lose touch of it. I almost prefered not sleeping so I could hold on to the memories. Whether they were killing me or not … I need them to be in some way “okay” with all of this … to not entirely be dead on the inside. I still pray that she’ll talk to me, outside of the halicinations and nightmares where things are insanely, horribly grotesque and worse than any horror movie I’ve ever seen. We’re things are too real to be real.

Make it all go away. Let me know you still exist!

-josh